Life at 33

I think that 33 is an age where you make it or break it. Many famous people died at age 33:

1. John Belushi (comedian)
2. Chris Farley (comedian)
3. Jesus (spiritual icon)
4. Eva Paron (Argentina first lady - aka Evita - aka the musical I rocked out to the other day

Others accomplished amazing things at 33:

1. Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across the Atlantic alone (ok, so she disappeared, but still, bug accomplishment).
2. Michelangelo created the David (kudos - I am personally dating my own statuesque man).
3. Clark (of Lewis and Clark, not Lois and Clark) was 33 at the start of their expedition.

OTHER cool things about 33:

1. 33 is the largest positive integer that cannot be expressed as a sum of different triangular numbers (NO CLUE what this means).
2. The atomic number of arsenic (is "old lace" an element?).
3. According to Al-Ghazali the dwellers of Heaven will exist eternally in a state of being age 33.
4. The code for international direct-dial phone calls to France (just in case you ever want to call France).
5. The number printed on all Rolling Rock beer labels; '33' is a Vietnamese beer that American soldiers became familiar with during the war; '33' (three-three) is a Nigerian produced brand of beer; Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer used to be advertised as "Blended 33 to 1"(beer is big on 33).

Best thing about 33? It's my age and a time I will mark in my life as a turning point. 33 is an age of discovery, understanding and growth. 33 brought me new life, love and perspective. 33 promises to bring more change, growth and opportunity. 33 will forever be the year of divorce, job changes and sobering, humble realities. Who knows what 34 has in store?

Keep in mind, dear reader, that age is a state of mind. They say you are as old as you feel, and I think I feel stable, happy and well suited to 33. Would YOU go back to your 20's? Think long about it. If you are IN your 20's, enjoy them to the fullest - I mean that. Come about 28 or so, your next phase of life seems to solidify. 30 is only scary if you let it be. Same with 40, 50, etc. Now, I know I am still young, and many of you are well past 33, but truly, you are as old as you want to be. I am happy here.

SO 34, when you arrive in October, I will embrace you. You are the atomic number of selenium (which apparently is a byproduct of mining copper...sounds important...). Also, "#34", a song by the Dave Matthews Band (who doesn't love Dave Matthews?). AND should I want to call Spain, it's the international dialing code for the country. I am also hoping you bring peace, happiness and love as your predecessor, 33, has been trying like hell to do as well.

Way to be, 33!

Finding Home

DISCLAIMER: To those who have been part of my life this past year - thank you. For those who have stopped being part of my life - thank you and good luck.

 

AND a year turns...ok, almost turns. It's amazing what 12 months can bring. If you walked up to me a year ago and said, "Hey, you are going to be in an apartment, looking for a job AND dating a father of two IN ABOUT A YEAR." Yep, would have called the Crazy Police and had them on you like slick on snot. But, you would have been 100% correct. It's been a year of ups and downs. A year of discovery and rebirth. A year of learning that YOU are your greatest cheerleader. SO let's dissect the year and see what we have learned, shall we? It is a journey that lead me away and then lead me to a new place that I call home - in my heart and in my mind.

LE DIVORCE

Yes, let's get this one out of the way RIGHT away. After 15 years with someone - 10 of those years as a married couple - and two kids, one would think that all the bumps and road blocks were smoothed over...wrong! Life, dear kids, can completely screw you over when you least expect it. In a matter of a few hours, I lost my best friend, husband and confidante. Have you ever taken a Cheeto and watched it dissolve in water? That would be the general idea behind how I watched my world change. 

NOW I don't want pity or "poor you." You see, had this happened 5 or 6 years ago, I would have been unable to continue, BUT as luck would have it...You see, I have two amazing sons, and I thank my ex for that. I also have amazing memories and don't regret one moment of that life. Though the other end of this equation has gone Mr. Hyde on the world, and I don't recognize him anymore, I still wish him luck and happiness. Life is too short to harbor ill will. All the energy it takes to hate and rage can be so much more productive if used in positive pursuits. So, my dear ex, find happiness. 

NOTES FOR THOSE WHO ARE FACING DIVORCE:

1. If you have kids GET A LAWYER - preferably one who can laugh with you.
2. Stick to your guns - because they will stick to theirs.
3. IF you have kids, keep it civil. 
4. Child Support is NOT an evil way to get one person to lose out on money...both of you are responsible emotionally AND FINANCIALLY for the kids you created...suck it up. And hello, the state determines the amount...
5. Your kids are not an inconvenience...so work them in to ANY SCHEDULE as much as you can.
6. It's cold in court - bring a jacket.
7. It's ok to date - really, it is.

DATING

SO let's get on to dating. WOW did I learn a TON in a short amount of time. Dating is probably right up there with walking on glass in terms of pain, scaring and inevitable loss of feeling in the affected region...but a necessary evil if you do not want to be that weird cat person in apartment 4D. I dated...and dated...long story short, I only ever dated and was "with" my husband. Yes folks, I had only been with one man my whole life. SUDDENLY at 33 I was set free onto the world. Oh, did I live.

My sister gave me advice, "Our family has this curse in a sense...people are drawn to us and fall in love with us instantly." I laughed at her as I am not some Venus with long legs, flowy hair and perfect face. BUT she was right - I think we are like walking cocaine...addictive as get out. Finding men to talk to, date and share my time was not difficult. Each one taught me about myself, and I learn a MOST IMPORTANT lesson...MEN LIKE WOMEN. Who knew? 

The attention men give to a woman is amazing. My brother explained that sex to a man is like the best muffin in the world. Once you have a taste of it, you will do ANYTHING to try that muffin again. Well, I baked my share of muffins. I learned a few valuable lessons:

1. When a guy says "you have kids? COOL!" he means, "You don't actually have kids, they are just mythical creatures you speak of in rhyme." 
2. Many guys CANNOT kiss...the amount of times my pancreas was licked, via my mouth, would lead me to believe I have an immaculately clean digestive tract.
3. Hot guys are dicks. Enough said.
4. One night stands are really not that bad - especially when the guy is a hottie from St Louis in for Easter and he makes you laugh, has a BMW and can wear a tee like nobody's business (amazing 3 hours - not that I have experience here or anything).
5. IF HE DOESN'T PAY FOR DINNER THE FIRST TIME WALK AWAY. Chivalry isn't dead, it's just that some men forgot it exists. I am all for paying Dutch, but if HE asks YOU to dinner...it's all him. 
6. Sex with the right man is better than anything in the word - finding him just takes time...a little too much time...but worth it!

APARTMENT LIFE

Yes - I am a cubbie dweller. I went from a nice house to a 3-bdrm apartment. BONUS is I have a king bed to myself AND a bathroom in my bedroom. The amount of CRAP I had to cart to Goodwill during the move is almost scary. It's amazing how much one accumulates in 15 years that is just filler. Toys alone could have filled FAO. While it sucks paying to do laundry, and the creepy guy upstairs and his equally odd kids run screaming for hours nightly, I like our little home. I was able to paint AND my son even has Spider-Man and the Batman symbol on his wall - SUPER cool.

ALSO living in Madison is STELLAR. Culture, opportunity and the Farmer's Market...all amazing things. Having a sister so close also helps with child care and random watching of Game of Thrones with someone.

There is also a pool and gym at my complex...and gym brings me to...

WEIGHT LOSS

I lost 35 pounds...thus the men taking to me like ducks to water. I am a nice size 8 and loving it. Ok ok, so it is mostly thanks to my ex jumping onto the Gay Train and leaving me, but once the smoke settled, I decided to capitalize on the loss and maintain. I LOVE buying things without trying them on as I KNOW they will fit. It pretty much rules. 

(SIDE NOTE: Yeah - the ex GAINED weight. Small smile.)

JOB...or lack of...

OK - I saw the signs...parts and pieces moving off to Mexico. Effort to improve the site was dwindling...and my entire team is in another state. POOF - job gone. But here's the strange thing; even when my boss handed me the severance package, I knew I would be ok. I can't explain it. I was pissed - don't get me wrong - but I also knew I had the talent and resolve to get through it.  Having my Masters and solid experience, drive and ambition will pay out in the end. Mark my words. 

When this news was relayed to me, my best good friend at work sat in my car in the parking lot (seems to be a recurring theme) with me as I cried and found sanity. I also called my (drum roll) boyfriend who offered laughs, love and support. Yes...boyfriend...

THE BOYFRIEND

You ever meet someone and know in literally an INSTANT that you were meant to know them? Yes, that was what happened the moment I laid eyes on my dear man. The puzzle pieces fell into place on a physical, mental and emotional level. Our children mesh well, and the geek in me and the jock in him seem to melt perfectly. There is a spot in his arms where, when I am there, the world cannot touch nor hurt me. It's a great spot. It's home.

HOME

Yep - I found home. It's not a marriage built on a lie in a house taken by short sale. It's not the copious amounts of crap one accumulates in a life like books, movies or electronics. It's not a job. It's not what others tell me it should be. No, home is where my heart, body and soul found happiness, peace and love. Home is in my sons' laughter as they play. Home is the warm hug the man I love gives me when he sees me after an absence. Home is living in my body, accepting my heart and understanding my place in the world. Home is loving and being loved by those who find value in me, while omitting the evil and hurt being thrust upon me by those who haven't completely found their place. 

Home is here - here and now. It's going to be wherever I am if I so choose to make it a reality. So, a year CAN change your life. It's up to YOU if and how you let it. YOU choose your life - make it amazing.

Crouching Husband, Hidden Truth

You know that moment in a scary movie when you, the viewer, know the creepy bad guy is waiting around the corner and KNOW that if you were the clueless teen who said, "I am going to find Janet," you would have said, "Janet is an idiot, I am out of here"?? Yeah, perspective and clarity. You as the viewer HAVE this because you are on the outside looking in. I am sure in this case the clueless teen really thought they could save Janet. WELL folks, the past 8 or so months for me has been the "corner," I have been the clueless teen, and my husband has been the bad guy - who I thought was "Janet". Confused?? Welcome to life in my house since August 3rd, 2011.

They say that life changes and things happen for a reason. They say that life only gives you as much as you can handle. They say look on the bright side of life. Well, "they" can take this advice and ram it up their....and I mean this with love and admiration. I don't think we understand the pain that those around us go through. We offer up advice, are there to lean on, but in the end, that person is alone in their struggle. I am guilty of this as well, and I apologize to anyone I spurted off some cliché to. I also thank those that gave me the support I needed. Despite the slightly bitter tone here, I needed all of it. I have just reached the end of my sunshine rope. I need action. I need amazing. I need a break - just a break.

I have learned from my experience. I have learned strength, patience, empathy, caution and sadly, I have learned that love can be a great mask for a person who is trying to be something they simply are not. I was a good band-aid for 15 years. I really was. Now, I refuse to be the band-aid. I refuse to just be "ok enough" for someone. Now that my divorce is winding down and the bad is really hitting the fan, if someone comes along that wants in on me and my life - they have to ASTOUND me. I am strong enough and able enough to carry through. In short, I now have expectations. Gentlemen, start your engines and good luck.

See - dear reader - my husband left me for a man. NOW he will claim that he hated me from day one. I made him miserable. I castrated him and forced him to be straight. Blah blah blah. Bottom line, you make your own life. You make your decisions. You only have you to blame for your situations. You make your bed. I want to make it clear that nobody - NOBODY - was as supportive of his decision as I was. I was hurt but happy for him because he found who he was. TO THIS DAY after all the pain and hate thrown at me, I STILL support his choice and always will. I want him in our children's lives, and I want him to find happiness. BUT I also know that an adult can make decisions. IF his sexuality was in question by him for years, then he should have made better decisions. I am all for standing up for you as a person, but I expect people to be accountable for their choices. I accept this in my life as well. Where I draw the line is having my job as a parent and my compassion for those I love belittled, slandered and defiled. This man, whom I loved, chose to take the low road. He will tel you I am a liar. He will tell you I am scum. He will tell you I lie to those closest to me and those closest in return tell me what I want to hear. He will also head silence from everyone when the bad hits the fan for him. SO I wash my hands of him and his anger, bitterness and pain. I have kids to raise, and they deserve all my energy.

What have I learned about life over 8 months? I learned your friends and family truly are there for you. I was astounded by the support, love and understanding presented by my friends on a daily basis. My family has gone to bat for me - sometimes in a brash way - but with love in their hearts. I learned that my children are my strength, happiness and life. They alone are my motivation. They are the loves of my life. I learned I have the ability to care for all of us - I was basically doing it anyway for years. It's hard, and digging out of the financial crater is crap, but there is progress. I learned that I am a desirable, sexy, smart and funny woman. I am everything a man would be lucky to have, and everything he should endeavor to deserve. Thus the need to be astounded.

FINALLY I learned this - life is hard, but when you surround yourself with love - REAL LOVE - from those who you support and who support you, you can move mountains. So last cliché:

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Ladies and gentlemen, I can benchpress a bulldozer full of bowling balls.

I LOVE YOU ALL - and you know who you are!