You know that moment in a scary movie when you, the viewer, know the creepy bad guy is waiting around the corner and KNOW that if you were the clueless teen who said, "I am going to find Janet," you would have said, "Janet is an idiot, I am out of here"?? Yeah, perspective and clarity. You as the viewer HAVE this because you are on the outside looking in. I am sure in this case the clueless teen really thought they could save Janet. WELL folks, the past 8 or so months for me has been the "corner," I have been the clueless teen, and my husband has been the bad guy - who I thought was "Janet". Confused?? Welcome to life in my house since August 3rd, 2011.
They say that life changes and things happen for a reason. They say that life only gives you as much as you can handle. They say look on the bright side of life. Well, "they" can take this advice and ram it up their....and I mean this with love and admiration. I don't think we understand the pain that those around us go through. We offer up advice, are there to lean on, but in the end, that person is alone in their struggle. I am guilty of this as well, and I apologize to anyone I spurted off some cliché to. I also thank those that gave me the support I needed. Despite the slightly bitter tone here, I needed all of it. I have just reached the end of my sunshine rope. I need action. I need amazing. I need a break - just a break.
I have learned from my experience. I have learned strength, patience, empathy, caution and sadly, I have learned that love can be a great mask for a person who is trying to be something they simply are not. I was a good band-aid for 15 years. I really was. Now, I refuse to be the band-aid. I refuse to just be "ok enough" for someone. Now that my divorce is winding down and the bad is really hitting the fan, if someone comes along that wants in on me and my life - they have to ASTOUND me. I am strong enough and able enough to carry through. In short, I now have expectations. Gentlemen, start your engines and good luck.
See - dear reader - my husband left me for a man. NOW he will claim that he hated me from day one. I made him miserable. I castrated him and forced him to be straight. Blah blah blah. Bottom line, you make your own life. You make your decisions. You only have you to blame for your situations. You make your bed. I want to make it clear that nobody - NOBODY - was as supportive of his decision as I was. I was hurt but happy for him because he found who he was. TO THIS DAY after all the pain and hate thrown at me, I STILL support his choice and always will. I want him in our children's lives, and I want him to find happiness. BUT I also know that an adult can make decisions. IF his sexuality was in question by him for years, then he should have made better decisions. I am all for standing up for you as a person, but I expect people to be accountable for their choices. I accept this in my life as well. Where I draw the line is having my job as a parent and my compassion for those I love belittled, slandered and defiled. This man, whom I loved, chose to take the low road. He will tel you I am a liar. He will tell you I am scum. He will tell you I lie to those closest to me and those closest in return tell me what I want to hear. He will also head silence from everyone when the bad hits the fan for him. SO I wash my hands of him and his anger, bitterness and pain. I have kids to raise, and they deserve all my energy.
What have I learned about life over 8 months? I learned your friends and family truly are there for you. I was astounded by the support, love and understanding presented by my friends on a daily basis. My family has gone to bat for me - sometimes in a brash way - but with love in their hearts. I learned that my children are my strength, happiness and life. They alone are my motivation. They are the loves of my life. I learned I have the ability to care for all of us - I was basically doing it anyway for years. It's hard, and digging out of the financial crater is crap, but there is progress. I learned that I am a desirable, sexy, smart and funny woman. I am everything a man would be lucky to have, and everything he should endeavor to deserve. Thus the need to be astounded.
FINALLY I learned this - life is hard, but when you surround yourself with love - REAL LOVE - from those who you support and who support you, you can move mountains. So last cliché:
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Ladies and gentlemen, I can benchpress a bulldozer full of bowling balls.
I LOVE YOU ALL - and you know who you are!
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