So I gave a homeless girl $20 today...

Here I am, in San Francisco. It is the Gay Mecca, busting out with Chinese culture and fashionable. It is also heavy with homeless. You can't walk more than 10 feet without literally bumping into a homeless person. Granted, being homeless in California isn't like being homeless in Chicago...but the sheer amount is staggering.

So, it "begs" the question - are those who give to the homeless "schmucks?"

No - I say if you give money to another human being, good on you. Sure, they may buy booze and they may buy drugs, but so might a non-homeless person. Plus you don't know the circumstances that made them homeless, so who are you to judge? So yes, I gave a homeless girl $20.

She was different.

She was sitting on the sidewalk outside the posh stores down Powell St. She was bent over reading a thick novel. Next to her was a little wire-haired Benji dog. She had 3 backpacks and a suitcase behind her. She also had a sign that read "HUNGRY, HOMELESS AND PREGNANT. Any little bit helps me and my family." I could see her bulging pre-belly, and thought, heck, who am I to judge. Yes, I too need money, but at least I have a home, a job and that job put me in San Fran where I had the fortune of walking past this girl.

I handed her the money and she looked shocked and grateful. She had MANY tatoos on her face, arms ad body, rotting teeth and wore thick glasses. She almost looked like she was going to cry. I told her that I just had a baby, and I can't imagine life without a place to call home for him. She asked his name and I said, "Elijah." I learned that she too had a son named Elijah who was a year old. She doesn't take him out with her when she begs for money. I didn't get tell her that Eli is almost totally deaf, but she told me that HER Elijah has hearing problems...

...talk about COINCIDENCE...

So I bid her good luck, God bless, and started to walk away. She called after me, "Congrats and thank you!"

So who knows, maybe she'll by drugs and maybe she'll get booze...or just maybe she'll get her little Elijah a happy meal and eat something to help her new baby to grow. It was my place to help, not judge. So God, please help that girl and her little family. Life is hard for everyone - and I need to just think of her to realize that it could be so much worse.

Options...we are obsessed with them!

In today's materialistic society of individuals trying to be part of the group but stand out, there are just too many options. What I mean is you can now trick out anything from your car to your shoes to yes, even your braces. Customization is key always. We want what the Jones' have, but we want it different enough to be similar but better...

Options are part of life as well. You can take road A or road B; or even road C if A and B are not to your liking. Do you go to college or straight to a job? Do you get a Big Mac or a sub? Do you buy import or American? Do you marry and have kids or have kids and marry? Tatoo or piercing? Both? CHOOSE CHOOSE CHOOSE...but choose wisely. With every decision comes consequences; good or bad. Yeah, the latest celeb haircut looks great on the 6 foot blond amazon goddess, but on your average mid-western melon it's a travesty. So the next choice is wig or dye job?

Making endless decisions is part of life, and as adults, we are faced with an endless stream of them from the moment we wake up (go to work or go back to sleep?) to the moment we go to sleep (sleep or sex? - side note, as a parent of 2 small kids, sleep wins 95% of the time). Our choices are always complex and we think we know the outcomes, but more times than not, we are surprised. This compounds once you add children...because now you have to make decisions for a person who YOU made, and who relies on YOU...and you don't want the choices to end up as long therapy sessions at the age of 40 when your now grown up baby thinks their inability to commit stems from the time you couldn't choose between Bambi and Cinderella so you said "well, let's just have a quite night and read the CAT IN THE HAT."

The issue of choice compounds even further when your child has a developmental issue - like my little man and his inability to hear. NOW I am faced with ETHICAL choices...should he get implants or be deaf and choose himself when he's older? Should I go with implant brand A that is waterproof, but brand B has better sound? Do you get one or two implants? Do you start out with sign language or lip reading? Shall your child be a talker or a signer? Do you have insurance to cover this or do you have to wait? Can you afford the copays? BLAH BLAH BLAH....

For an issue concerning a deaf child, there's a lot of noise.

To help alleviate the clutter, we have enrolled in our county's BIRTH TO 3 program which aims to help with these decisions. We will also be visiting an ENT for a second opinion and meet with audiologists and otolaryngologists (say THAT 10 times fast). Each groups will try to help us make decisions...but in the end, it's our choice as parents. What path to take? What is right? What is ethical?

SO when you are 75 and your 40 year old child looks at their life, will they be happy with what you have done for them? As a child myself, the answer isn't always clear. Parents mean well. I just pray my son knows that.

Besides - we can always trick out the implants!

Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks...

You know that scene in Forrest Gump where Jenny and Forrest return to her childhood home and she begins to toss rocks at the house, breaking the windows. She does this to take a small amount of revenge on a father who sexually abused her and destroyed her life. After tossing several rocks, she collapses to the ground and cries. Forrest sums up the experience by saying, "I guess sometimes there just aren't enough rocks."
This is my feeling when it comes to the latest news on my new baby.

Little "Goober" failed his hearing test right after birth. My first child had the same issue, but passed his follow up hearing test with flying colors. I assumed, silly me, that Goober would be the same way. Imagine my dismay when the audiologist said in no uncertain terms, "he has severe to profound hearing loss and is a candidate for cochlear implants."

Toss rock #1.

So my child is deaf? Really? You have a baby and want that little person to be perfect, but here's the thing, it doesn't always work out that way.

Toss rock #2.

I know - it could be WAY worse. He could be missing limbs or blind or have cancer or a list of other atrocities that affect the young in the world. I know this, but those who say "it could be worse" aren't feeling the helplessness and anxiety I am about my little boy who may face surgery in a few months to allow him to hear his mother's voice. Let me at least be upset about this.

Toss rock #3.

SO the rocks are tossed. I haven't improved the situation and all I get is the slight satisfaction that comes with the mental release of writing down your unhappiness. I will now have to let my "mental Forrest Gump" pick me up, brush me off, and point out that there are never enough rocks. So I'll have to stop tossing them, and move on.

So now what? We have an appointment with Goober's pediatrician on Friday to go over the results of the test as the audiologist used words that I had to keep looking up. Then we have to go for a second opinion. Next is a series of hearing aid trials that will then lead to recommendations for the cochlear implants - these can be installed (like he's a car or something) by the time he's one. Studies show that, as we discovered this so early, he'll have a normal life with normal speech patterns and communication abilities. Until then though, it's going to be a long road. We'll have to learn signs to communicate with my baby. My oldest will be wonderful at this as he's already a big helper. My husband is also strong and right there ready to work at this. We can do this and will. Little Goober will be fine and it's just a bump along the way...

My only sadness as this journey starts...little Goober doesn't know the sound of his mommy's voice.

Where's a rock when you need one?

What is strength?

What does it mean to be strong? Does it mean large biceps and the ability to lift twice your body weight? Does it mean standing up for what you believe in when challenged? Does it mean holding up the world when it threatens to crash on those you love? It means all these things, and I have seen strength from my tall, handsome husband and my smallest son.

First - my husband. When the news that our newborn son had to go to the NICU for issues breathing, having just given birth two days earlier, I lost it. Any mother out there will testify that hormones are completely out of control the first few days after you push a human out of your body. Couple this with watching your newborn get rushed out of the room the second he is born as he is not breathing, and news of a trip to the NICU hits like a ton of bricks.

As I collapsed, my husband became a pillar for my family. He protected me from phone calls from family in order to keep my hysteria in check. I know he cried to my family, how could he not? But by me, he was strength beyond strength. He held my hand and assured me that this would all be ok. He was Strength. For this, I love him even more.

Second - my son. Upon his birth, he was unable to breathe. It took an hour to fully get him awake and alert enough to come back to the room and see me. He then steadily declined to the point where the NICU was the only way to assess and treat him. He fought hard to breathe, and after a week, he has progressed enough to cause the oxygen they hooked up to him obsolete. He is now breathing on his own, and if he can keep it up, he can come home.

He showed me that the tiniest person can have enormous strength. His little lungs fought to repair the damage caused from aspirating amniotic fluid, and he's strong, eating well and progressing perfectly. He is Strength.

My men amaze me on a daily basis. From my husband working like crazy to get a teaching job, to my oldest son's kindness, compassion and humor to my new baby's ability to make me laugh at only a week old. These 3 men are my family, my life and my loves. They teach me what strength is, and for that, I am grateful.

Been a while...

So yeah, I have been busy...like über busy. You know, work, school, toddler, husband, travel and oh yeah, having a baby. This leaves little time for personal reflection or even personal time (or heck, even alone time in the bathroom with your thoughts and a much needed #2).

I am blogging today on life in general. There are several things I am grateful for and I just don't think I say it enough. SO UNIVERSE - THANK YOU for all you have given me:

1. My job: I love my job. It's challenging, different and a great mix of all the things I do well. Ok, ok, ok, so occasionally I have to do something that really makes me ask, "...and I went to college why..?" But all in all, it's great. I have traveled a LOT in the past several months and met many great people. I have been given kudos for my accomplishments and even had a great 6 month performance review. I am at this moment attending my national sales meeting (which I planned all of) in Dana Point, CA. I am backing in the sun on my balcony while working AND yes, blogging. All in all, it's a good place to be. PLUS without this job, Jake couldn't be a full-time student on the verge of finally graduating. Face it, at San Jamar, I was barely making enough to get by WITH Jake's income. There's no way we'd even be staying above water now with Jake not working. SO THANK YOU UNIVERSE for my job. Keep the success coming!
2. This goes to #2 - Jake. I am lucky to have a husband who has heart, compassion and is a great dad. Sure, we've had some bumpy spots, and I want to flick him on the forehead sometimes (what wife doesn't want to whack their hubby sometimes), but in the end, here we still are. He supports my career and picks up where I leave off when I travel. He also (even though he doesn't believe me) makes me feel pretty and special...even when I am the size of a house with a preggo belly. I really miss him when I travel because he is not only my husband, but my best friend, and we LOVE traveling together. (ok, you can vomit if you want.......I know.......) SO THANK YOU UNIVERSE for Jake - here's to a lifetime together.
3. My little Noma. He's the coolest kid. I know all parents gush about how smart and fun their kid is, but he really is super intelligent. It's like talking to a 10 year old kid even though he's only 2.5 years old. He makes me laugh, and what I love the most is I can see in him little glimmers of the man he'll be. He is compassionate, funny, charming (sometimes that's his saving grace) and all about family and fun. I can only hope that #2 is as cool as his big brother. SO THANK YOU UNIVERSE for a healthy, happy son and for the little man growing in my belly.
4. My friends and family. I have the best in both arenas. It's true. I can be a dork with my friends and they will echo it back to me without so much as a judgement (because I am at heart a big dork). My family is there for me and mine, and that's sadly rare in today's world. I say, if you are wrapped up in hating your family, you are missing out on a lot my friend - so suck it up, build a bridge, and get over it...you only get one family. SO UNIVERSE, thank you for my "universe."

SO there you have it, my sappy list of THANK YOUs that I am putting out to the universe. They say the positive you put out you get back...adn I think that's right. Happiness can happen, you just have to let it.

To pee or not to pee - and other things

I am sitting at my desk - I have to pee. NOW as a pregnant woman, this is not in any way uncommon. I visit the facilities at work at least 5 times a day if not more. The issue is that I have to travel across a small continent to GET to the bathroom. Anyone who works in an office setting knows that anytime you leave your desk, a giant flashing light appears above your head and anyone who has been looking for you will inevitably walk into your path and engage you in work-related conversations. Sometimes, these conversations even cause you to backtrack to your desk to obtain the answer. So my daily quandry is: How do I travel across the world to the bathroom without detection?

I have gone so far as to go back into the warehouse to walk across the building to come back into the office at the door by the bathrooms. This way, I only encounter those in shipping, assembly and manufacturing who don't know who I am and would prefer that I not make eye contact. The only issue is, this puts me a little out of my way, thus increasing the urgency to reach teh bathroom.

Bottom line: WHY can't there be a bathroom on THIS end of the building? Not to mention the fact that there are about 150 workers or more IN the building - most of whom, believe it or not, are female, and there are only 6 stalls...and you know, ladies, that there's always one stall that is off limits as some woman decided to eat 100 bean burritos for breakfast and leave the evidence for you to find - ew....(side note - why is it that public restroom always smell like old lady poo?)

SO that is my TMI for you for the day. I have to pee, and dread who will jump into my path along the way. During my first trimester when more came out my body from all areas, I was stopped on a jog to the bathroom by and IT guy, and I plainly said to him, "If you aren't bleeding, I need to use the facilities - now." He moved out of the way.

THAT said - wish me luck and off across the world I go!

Let's Talk Stupid

Ah yes, stupid. Webster's defines it thus:

stu⋅pid
–adjective

1.	lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.

2.	characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless: a stupid question.

3.	tediously dull, esp. due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless: a stupid party.

4.	annoying or irritating; troublesome: Turn off that stupid radio.

5.	in a state of stupor; stupefied: stupid from fatigue.

6.	Slang. excellent; terrific.

In short - it means "salesman." NOW I know a good deal of salespeople and they are NOT stupid. They function in society, can tie their own shoes and make a copy on a complex copy machine. It is not these individuals that today's lesson are aimed; it's the ones who I practically have to hand walk through the perils of the world like i do my toddler. Today I sat neck deep in a pile of stupid.

SO - let's say you are a great salesperson and the company pays for you to have an ALL EXPENSE PAID ALL INCLUSIVE TRIP to the Dominican Republic. Normal people would give a, "hell yeah, let's go" attitude. They would understand that it's a longer flight, but the destination is worth the trip. Let me say, my salesman friend is not normal (remember, the theme today is stupid) and he complained from the get-go with flight planning.

NOW world events as they are, there was a tragic LARGE earthquake off the coast of Haiti (a country on the same island as the Dominican) and devistation is still being counted. SO emergency services gets priority for travel. This means that the crappy longer flights are left for the sunshine, freeloading sales reps from my company. NOW stupid rep "Tim" gets his list of flight options from me and his response is, "What do you mean you can't get to the Dominican in one day before 3pm?"

Let's revisit the definition of "stupid" to gauge my feelings about this question:

1. lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.
   My dear Tim, the Dominican is 1/2 a world away from your little haven in the west. There isn't a direct flight. Get on the bus.
2. characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless: a stupid question.
   This needs no further explanation...
3. tediously dull, esp. due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless
   This was my feeling when it came to explaining the shape and size of the world to Tim - he would only ask why he still couldn't get there in less than 6 hours.
4. annoying or irritating; troublesome
   Yes, yes he is...
5. in a state of stupor; stupefied
   This has been my state of being all day as Tim has coworkers who are also salespeople with the same fantastic questions.
6. Slang. excellent; terrific
   Let's just say this is a "stupid" definition and use of "stupid."

SO that is the full description of my "stupid" day with the "stupid" rep on this "stupid" subject.

THANK YOU for letting me vent, dear reader.

My own personal power plant...

This will be quick. I learned yesterday that I will have enough natural gas to power me into the next century. I could probably even sell some of it and make a small profit. With the world as it is, money is tight, and FREE is always good...well, it's not TOTALLY free...I'll have to invest for about 18 years or more and then some.

What am I talking about??

Ladies and gents, I am going to have another BOY! That means I will have 3 men stinking me out of house and home and building up natural gas by the metric ton. SO - in about 10 years, my house will be the smelliest, most efficient on the block. Clark's gene can pass on the ability to produce a green cloud that will clear a room, melt wallpaper and cause the DOG to leave the bed. I will have 3 of these in my home.

...if you have spare candles or nose plugs, let me know!

Blogging amiss...

So my husband has informed me that I need to continue my little blog. He loves those of our friends, and I guess I can try to add my opinions to those out there in the greater ether of blogging land...

SO here's today's thought: why aren't there any books out there toting the ups and downs of the SECOND pregnancy? There are umpteen million books on the arrival of your first little bundle of joy (though they conveniently omit the icky, sore and unexpected "joys" of carrying a life), but there are little if any out there giving second-time mom's the tools needed to prepare for #2. IN RECOGNITION OF THIS, I, Jamie Los, do hereby give you my list of things that second time mothers and probably beyond need to know:

1. When they say "no two pregnancies are alike" it means for YOU either.
   My first pregnancy was sunshine and moonbeams (minus some sciatic issues at the end). I felt good, looked good and had energy. In the grand scheme, I only had morning sickness once, during which my husband, let's call him "Clark," asked innocently, "why are you throwing up??" Despite this one nasty incident, all was well. The delivery was even a snap.
   
   Welcome #2. You know that feeling you get when you take NyQuil and you are just about to pass into unconscious bliss. You know, your head is light, your movements are slow and trippy and you want nothing more than to crawl into your bed and pass out. THIS is the state of being for me ALL DAY and NIGHT during trimester one of baby #2. Also, nausea, hip pain and even VAGINA PAIN are always prevalent...that brings me to point #2.
2. You have VAGINA PAIN....what the..??
   Ok, it's not INTERNAL pain - or a burning pain - we're not talking STD or a rash...this is a pulsing, bruise-like pain all around your soon to be mangled little friend that only intensifies after sitting too long OR engaging in marital Olympics with your spouse. It's enough that you almost - I stress ALMOST - want to call a massage therapist and have them spend 30 minutes massaging the area around your little friend. I asked Clark to do this for me...yeah, that was too weird for him.
3. You thought your breasts got big with #1...HA HA HA...
   Now in my family, being blessed with mammoth. copious breasts is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing for your significant other who revels in their soft, round comfort, and a curse for you as you try to find dresses, swimsuits and button-up shirts that fit your full cup size while not being too big on your smaller body parts. With baby #1, they do swell a bit and yes, once the Boobie Fairy comes post-birth bringing mommy's milk for the baby, they swell to mythic, beer commercial size. Your spouse is please but won't touch due to unexpected leaking......BUt nonetheless, you stop breastfeeding and POOF they deflate t a size smaller than pre-baby...your spouse is saddened.
   
   NOW for #2. You pee on the stick, get all excited and the Boobie Fairy now has you on speed dial. She hears your joy and the coming #2 and POOF - you are now the proud owner of two dwarf planets orbiting your body. They aren't just bigm they are HUGE. Bras don't fit. Shirts don't fit. they get in the way. Female coworkers remark, "Wow your boobs have gotten big....no really, I mean BIG." Gee, thanks. This leads to issue #4....
4. Get comfy in your old maternity clothes as you will be in them form DAY ONE.
   Yes...I was in maternity clothes at 6 weeks. It's like my body said, "OH YEAH, I remember this - ok fellows, let 'er go!" Suddenly you butt is large, your hips have exploded and 20 lbs tack themselves onto you overnight. That's all I have to say about that...excuse me while I lament my little underwear...
5. What is that smell??
   It's unpleasant, but ladies, let's be truthful with the world...we ooze. Women ooze. Constantly. Something is always coming out. Well, with baby #2, it's like a leaky faucet. Oh, and for an added bonus, it's odor is unpleasant and you feel like you need to bathe 24/7. To combat this, you use vaginal washes (avoiding the douche...ew...) and place a panty liner in your now LARGE underwear. Yes, you don't HAVE a period, but you need to still go thru the motions.
   
   Then there's the boob smell...see #6...
6. What's with the goo?
   Ok, you expect to start seeing "goo" coming out of your breasts in the 7th to 8th month in preparation for making nutrients for your little miracle, I get this. BUT with baby #2, the water works showed up around 12 weeks...and it is a little smelly, makes the boobs grow even more AND makes them too sore for the enjoyment of your spouse - sorry, Clark.

There you have it. My journey thru pregnancy #2 up to 20 weeks...yes, there are still at least 20 to go. Now don't get me wrong, I am excited and my hubby is too. I look at my 2-year-old and know he'll be a good brother. We're working on the baby room, and I am looking forward to birthing in non-summer heat. But, alas, there are the above issues. Now they aren't one at a time...no no no...these bad boys come as a package deal. A full set. SO ladies, remember, #2 may be the most smelly, sticky, gooey, painful, uncomfortable and plumping experience of your life - but at least the reward is worth the discomfort.