To pee or not to pee - and other things

I am sitting at my desk - I have to pee. NOW as a pregnant woman, this is not in any way uncommon. I visit the facilities at work at least 5 times a day if not more. The issue is that I have to travel across a small continent to GET to the bathroom. Anyone who works in an office setting knows that anytime you leave your desk, a giant flashing light appears above your head and anyone who has been looking for you will inevitably walk into your path and engage you in work-related conversations. Sometimes, these conversations even cause you to backtrack to your desk to obtain the answer. So my daily quandry is: How do I travel across the world to the bathroom without detection?

I have gone so far as to go back into the warehouse to walk across the building to come back into the office at the door by the bathrooms. This way, I only encounter those in shipping, assembly and manufacturing who don't know who I am and would prefer that I not make eye contact. The only issue is, this puts me a little out of my way, thus increasing the urgency to reach teh bathroom.

Bottom line: WHY can't there be a bathroom on THIS end of the building? Not to mention the fact that there are about 150 workers or more IN the building - most of whom, believe it or not, are female, and there are only 6 stalls...and you know, ladies, that there's always one stall that is off limits as some woman decided to eat 100 bean burritos for breakfast and leave the evidence for you to find - ew....(side note - why is it that public restroom always smell like old lady poo?)

SO that is my TMI for you for the day. I have to pee, and dread who will jump into my path along the way. During my first trimester when more came out my body from all areas, I was stopped on a jog to the bathroom by and IT guy, and I plainly said to him, "If you aren't bleeding, I need to use the facilities - now." He moved out of the way.

THAT said - wish me luck and off across the world I go!

Let's Talk Stupid

Ah yes, stupid. Webster's defines it thus:

stu⋅pid
–adjective

1.	lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.

2.	characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless: a stupid question.

3.	tediously dull, esp. due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless: a stupid party.

4.	annoying or irritating; troublesome: Turn off that stupid radio.

5.	in a state of stupor; stupefied: stupid from fatigue.

6.	Slang. excellent; terrific.

In short - it means "salesman." NOW I know a good deal of salespeople and they are NOT stupid. They function in society, can tie their own shoes and make a copy on a complex copy machine. It is not these individuals that today's lesson are aimed; it's the ones who I practically have to hand walk through the perils of the world like i do my toddler. Today I sat neck deep in a pile of stupid.

SO - let's say you are a great salesperson and the company pays for you to have an ALL EXPENSE PAID ALL INCLUSIVE TRIP to the Dominican Republic. Normal people would give a, "hell yeah, let's go" attitude. They would understand that it's a longer flight, but the destination is worth the trip. Let me say, my salesman friend is not normal (remember, the theme today is stupid) and he complained from the get-go with flight planning.

NOW world events as they are, there was a tragic LARGE earthquake off the coast of Haiti (a country on the same island as the Dominican) and devistation is still being counted. SO emergency services gets priority for travel. This means that the crappy longer flights are left for the sunshine, freeloading sales reps from my company. NOW stupid rep "Tim" gets his list of flight options from me and his response is, "What do you mean you can't get to the Dominican in one day before 3pm?"

Let's revisit the definition of "stupid" to gauge my feelings about this question:

1. lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.
   My dear Tim, the Dominican is 1/2 a world away from your little haven in the west. There isn't a direct flight. Get on the bus.
2. characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless: a stupid question.
   This needs no further explanation...
3. tediously dull, esp. due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless
   This was my feeling when it came to explaining the shape and size of the world to Tim - he would only ask why he still couldn't get there in less than 6 hours.
4. annoying or irritating; troublesome
   Yes, yes he is...
5. in a state of stupor; stupefied
   This has been my state of being all day as Tim has coworkers who are also salespeople with the same fantastic questions.
6. Slang. excellent; terrific
   Let's just say this is a "stupid" definition and use of "stupid."

SO that is the full description of my "stupid" day with the "stupid" rep on this "stupid" subject.

THANK YOU for letting me vent, dear reader.

My own personal power plant...

This will be quick. I learned yesterday that I will have enough natural gas to power me into the next century. I could probably even sell some of it and make a small profit. With the world as it is, money is tight, and FREE is always good...well, it's not TOTALLY free...I'll have to invest for about 18 years or more and then some.

What am I talking about??

Ladies and gents, I am going to have another BOY! That means I will have 3 men stinking me out of house and home and building up natural gas by the metric ton. SO - in about 10 years, my house will be the smelliest, most efficient on the block. Clark's gene can pass on the ability to produce a green cloud that will clear a room, melt wallpaper and cause the DOG to leave the bed. I will have 3 of these in my home.

...if you have spare candles or nose plugs, let me know!

Blogging amiss...

So my husband has informed me that I need to continue my little blog. He loves those of our friends, and I guess I can try to add my opinions to those out there in the greater ether of blogging land...

SO here's today's thought: why aren't there any books out there toting the ups and downs of the SECOND pregnancy? There are umpteen million books on the arrival of your first little bundle of joy (though they conveniently omit the icky, sore and unexpected "joys" of carrying a life), but there are little if any out there giving second-time mom's the tools needed to prepare for #2. IN RECOGNITION OF THIS, I, Jamie Los, do hereby give you my list of things that second time mothers and probably beyond need to know:

1. When they say "no two pregnancies are alike" it means for YOU either.
   My first pregnancy was sunshine and moonbeams (minus some sciatic issues at the end). I felt good, looked good and had energy. In the grand scheme, I only had morning sickness once, during which my husband, let's call him "Clark," asked innocently, "why are you throwing up??" Despite this one nasty incident, all was well. The delivery was even a snap.
   
   Welcome #2. You know that feeling you get when you take NyQuil and you are just about to pass into unconscious bliss. You know, your head is light, your movements are slow and trippy and you want nothing more than to crawl into your bed and pass out. THIS is the state of being for me ALL DAY and NIGHT during trimester one of baby #2. Also, nausea, hip pain and even VAGINA PAIN are always prevalent...that brings me to point #2.
2. You have VAGINA PAIN....what the..??
   Ok, it's not INTERNAL pain - or a burning pain - we're not talking STD or a rash...this is a pulsing, bruise-like pain all around your soon to be mangled little friend that only intensifies after sitting too long OR engaging in marital Olympics with your spouse. It's enough that you almost - I stress ALMOST - want to call a massage therapist and have them spend 30 minutes massaging the area around your little friend. I asked Clark to do this for me...yeah, that was too weird for him.
3. You thought your breasts got big with #1...HA HA HA...
   Now in my family, being blessed with mammoth. copious breasts is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing for your significant other who revels in their soft, round comfort, and a curse for you as you try to find dresses, swimsuits and button-up shirts that fit your full cup size while not being too big on your smaller body parts. With baby #1, they do swell a bit and yes, once the Boobie Fairy comes post-birth bringing mommy's milk for the baby, they swell to mythic, beer commercial size. Your spouse is please but won't touch due to unexpected leaking......BUt nonetheless, you stop breastfeeding and POOF they deflate t a size smaller than pre-baby...your spouse is saddened.
   
   NOW for #2. You pee on the stick, get all excited and the Boobie Fairy now has you on speed dial. She hears your joy and the coming #2 and POOF - you are now the proud owner of two dwarf planets orbiting your body. They aren't just bigm they are HUGE. Bras don't fit. Shirts don't fit. they get in the way. Female coworkers remark, "Wow your boobs have gotten big....no really, I mean BIG." Gee, thanks. This leads to issue #4....
4. Get comfy in your old maternity clothes as you will be in them form DAY ONE.
   Yes...I was in maternity clothes at 6 weeks. It's like my body said, "OH YEAH, I remember this - ok fellows, let 'er go!" Suddenly you butt is large, your hips have exploded and 20 lbs tack themselves onto you overnight. That's all I have to say about that...excuse me while I lament my little underwear...
5. What is that smell??
   It's unpleasant, but ladies, let's be truthful with the world...we ooze. Women ooze. Constantly. Something is always coming out. Well, with baby #2, it's like a leaky faucet. Oh, and for an added bonus, it's odor is unpleasant and you feel like you need to bathe 24/7. To combat this, you use vaginal washes (avoiding the douche...ew...) and place a panty liner in your now LARGE underwear. Yes, you don't HAVE a period, but you need to still go thru the motions.
   
   Then there's the boob smell...see #6...
6. What's with the goo?
   Ok, you expect to start seeing "goo" coming out of your breasts in the 7th to 8th month in preparation for making nutrients for your little miracle, I get this. BUT with baby #2, the water works showed up around 12 weeks...and it is a little smelly, makes the boobs grow even more AND makes them too sore for the enjoyment of your spouse - sorry, Clark.

There you have it. My journey thru pregnancy #2 up to 20 weeks...yes, there are still at least 20 to go. Now don't get me wrong, I am excited and my hubby is too. I look at my 2-year-old and know he'll be a good brother. We're working on the baby room, and I am looking forward to birthing in non-summer heat. But, alas, there are the above issues. Now they aren't one at a time...no no no...these bad boys come as a package deal. A full set. SO ladies, remember, #2 may be the most smelly, sticky, gooey, painful, uncomfortable and plumping experience of your life - but at least the reward is worth the discomfort.

Today's word is "Criterion"

According to Yahoo, today's educational expand your mind and sound intelligent word is "criterion" and it's definition is stated as: (noun) a standard of measurement or judgment.

I think today this is quite an insightful word to have posted. Mainly because, in the last week, my husband and 14 people employed by my parent company have been let go - cut off - given notice - chopped off like a bad limb.

How, you ask, does the word "criterion" then fit into you feelings on the state of the economy and that of those who know who are now on unemployment? Well, eager reader who stumbled upon this blog, I will enlighten you. I ask to the Economic Powers That Be - what was the CRITERION taken into cosmic consideration when my husband was pegged to be downsized? What measurements were take to cut off useful and good people, while leaving morons and idiots to remain? I, alas, do not have the answer.

I could consult Webster and his dictionary for the words to aptly express the state of "crapdom" that we, as inhabitants of the 21st Century, are living in. What CRITERION will be considered as our leaders, or more closely, we ourselves, navigate this uncertain time and look for a good tomorrow? Mind now, these are just questions, and I am not the one with the all powerful answers (though my son thinks I am THE genius). I would just hope that we all, great and small, consider this in our list of CRITERION we use to live our lives in these tough times:

1. Love thy neighbor - and barter...we are facing a time when our abilities that we have to share are going to outweigh the money we can offer. SO hey - trade milk for eggs, help shoveling for help raking, and kind smiles for friendly waves.
2. We all poo sitting down...remember we are all equal in our basic forms. Money buys status, but at the end of the day, we have to work together to make it thru life, so don't be a weiner...you are NOT better than anyone.
3. Kids rock...adapt their smiles, free way of thinking and imagination. It helps.
4. Love - all you can. Then if you end up in a box on the corner, at least you are not alone.

SO there ya go - that's my list of CRITERION for making it thru 2009. Take it as you will. Insight, words of wisdom, ranting, or perhaps just the mumblings of a tired working mother.

My Three-OH Face

Yeah - so tell me...when did 30 become THIRTY? I other words, when did the little number 3 and the little number 0 combine in such a way as to attach themselves to me so soon? I hear "Thirty is only the beginning" "It's all easier from here" "This is when your life begins" - really? C'mon now. Let's not be that bold. If life begins at 30, then what was the purpose of my twenties? Hmm? I ask this of the cosmos - if my life is beginning NOW, then what significance did the events of my twenties that STARTED my life hold? Graduating college. Getting a career. Getting married. Buying a home. Having a child. I'd say these are pretty big things. So then I guess I need to look at this wisdom from another angle.

IF life begins at 30 - perhaps those wise humans imparting this wisdom upon me didn't mean the above mentioned milestones. Perhaps they mean that at 30, you KNOW who you are. You KNOW what you want. You KNOW where you are going AND you KNOW why you pay $30 for a good bottle of Zin and scoff at the $4 Arbor Mist. I'm talking the onset of Wisdom my friends. Pure, honest, life-affirming Wisdom.

By saying "Life begins at 30" those already into their 40s are basically telling me that I now KNOW the crap that I spent my 20s trying to figure out, and THAT knowledge will alter my path in positive and upward ways (or that's what I would like to believe). SO -

Here then, is my nod to my 20s. They were good to me. I learned a lot. Grew a lot. Found ME and tested my limits both physically and mentally. I learned my weaknesses and how to turn them into my strengths. I learned that I am worthy of love from others and myself. I learned that appearances fade, and a person's soul is really the heart of who they are. I learned that your priorities can change the instant a little person looks to you for care and protection. I learned that my husband loves me more than I ever thought possible to find. You were good to me 20 thru 29. I respect each year and the growth in me that came from them.

SO THIRTY - I'm here. Take me down whatever road you see fit. Mold me, challenge me, but most of all, give me the heart to hold onto the important things, dismiss the material things, and grow with my little family to a better, brighter tomorrow.

...and, keep the wine coming!

Lisa Gifford is My Pimp

OK OK OK - I'm what, 29 (soon to be 30 in 11 days) and I know - I KNOW - this is going to sound cheesey and very "teeny-boppy" but I would totally have relations with the character of Edward Cullen from the Twilight series. You see, last month Lisa, my fab sis-in-law, game my other sis-in-law, Leah, the books in the Twilight series. I was out of books to read, so I swiped the first one. Jake was even so kind as to check out the CD version from the library so I could listen on my way to/from work. In the beginning, it was just an interesting yet cheesy teen novel. The usual teen problems that have spanned the ages were there - coping with friends, crushes, teachers, parents..yadda yadda yadda...

Then Stephenie Meyer (the author) introduces you to the mysterious vampire, Edward Cullen, and BOOM BANG - I am 17 years old, with a crush, hoping for THAT kind of love.

I blame Lisa for introducing me to this fictional non-human who, through the authors detailed descriptions, caresses and seduces my new source of vicarious living, Bella Swan (the main character) - thanks, Lisa.

SO yeah - I am hooked now on this series which all in all is really, really good. However, I worry that this addiction to the books may speak volumes about my desires in a man - I mean, it's very Buffy-and-Angel-esque (the TV series I loved thru high school and college). Perhaps I am looking for Jake to one day become a blood-lusting undead man with a soul and compassion for humanity and the ability to melt my resolve with a look. (Not that he doesn't already - minus the undead part).

SO at nearly 30, I am still susceptable to the cheesey longings and first emotions felt by a 17 year old girl in a piece of contemporary fiction about fantastic creatures of the night mixed with the every day worries of growing up.

Unitl the day legends become reality and Jake develops a taste for mountain lion blood (and I seriously check my sanity), I shall read the books and wait for the movie to come out on November 21st.

SIGH